Alternative Certificates and Honors for the End of the Semester

We’ve finally come to that point in the semester when we can all relax and revel in what we’ve accomplished. While we generally list these accomplishments in terms of publications, scholarships, certificates, and department awards, I suggest an additional method for gauging success in academia.

Writers in Shades: Zora Neale Hurston

Zora Neale Hurston's controversial triangular shades are likely to go unappreciated for several decades.

Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However, she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

 

Guide to Stress Baking

I’m a stress baker, not a stress eater. So when I’m staring down tough decisions, hard deadlines, and stacks of ungraded papers, I don’t reach for a cake mix. The more freaked out I am, the more elaborate and weird my creations become.

Writers in Shades: Emily Dickinson

Emily Dickinson pleases Herself in these mysterious, oversized Frames.

Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However, she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

Writers in Shades: H.G. Wells

He puts the "g" in H.G. Wells with these impractical, fantastical shutter shades

Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However, she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

Writers in Shades: William Shakespeare

Trendsetter William Shakespeare shows off his cheeky, gender-bending self in these heart-shaped shades. Soon you'll be seeing them everywhere -- high schools, parks, and maybe even prisons.

 Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However, she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

Writers in Shades: Mary Shelley

Mary Shelley practically invents her own genre of sunglass-wearing with these tastemaking cat eyes. Still, it's safe to assume Percy and George helped her pick them out.

 Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However, she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

What Evals Would Look Like If I Were My Student

The semester is coming to a close, and my students will be filling out their evaluations next week.     My evaluations are generally good-to-boring, and I’ve yet to receive a really negative one. That doesn’t prevent my brain from conjuring up a horrific list of possible comments based on the parts of my teaching I’m insecure about. Here are some examples:

Writers in Shades: It was the best of memes, it was the worst of memes

Man of the people Charles Dickens would never splurge on the real thing, but these knockoff Wayfarers keep him looking classically fashionable. - Jessica Bates

Terrifyingly Literary Costumes (That May Not Actually Require a Costume)

Big Brother: If I understood this book correctly, you will simply need to watch everyone all the time.

Moby Dick: Piss off someone very early in the evening and then spend the rest of the night avoiding them.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Refuse to participate in the festivities and then allow three people dressed as ghosts to change your mind.

Miss Trunchbull: Instead of giving out candy to trick-or-treaters, eat it in front of them. Tell them, “Much too good for children!”

(Related costume: chocolate-cake-smeared Bruce Bogtrotter)

 Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s
undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However,
she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

 

Writers in Shades: Jane Austen

Jane Austen channels her inner rock star with these hot pink teashades, but you can be sure she’s wearing them…ironically.

Jessica Bates shares her name with Debra Winger’s character’s undercover persona in the 1987 neo-noir thriller Black Widow. However, she doesn’t really recommend that movie.

 

 

 

Childhood, Re-viewed

Watching television I loved as a child is like spending time with a previous version of myself. I imagine most people have a similar experience — we can remember the characters and story lines as we first understood them, but we are now privy to the jokes, allusions, homages, and double entendres of the adult world (the Elmer Fudd Wagner moments). Of course, sometimes adulthood deals out another one of its disillusioning blows as we realize for the first time how truly awful the thing we loved actually is. For me, the experience is often a mixture of nostalgic highs and embarrassing lows.